Quote of the week

“Matchmaker, matchmaker, Make me a match,

Find me a find,

Catch me a catch Matchmaker, matchmaker Look through your book, And make me a perfect match.”

Starting your own business in these difficult times is a risky venture. This is especially so where there are already established businesses offering the sort of service you want to offer. But I had complete confidence that I could compete well in the market. After I had worn my bright yellow thinking cap for a week, I came up with an inspirational start-up business plan that would allow me not only to enter the market but also put to shame the paltry efforts of rival companies. My business would offer a complete one-stop service and would cater to all requirements and tastes of discerning females seeking romantic fulfilment.

Thus it came to pass that I registered my company with the name Pandemonium Matchmakers (Very Private) Ltd. To avoid confusion, I made it clear that I made only romantic matches and not the fire lighting type. I was determined to make sure that none of my clients would have their fingers burned. The song with the lines “Come on Baby, light my fire” is not to be taken literally and the song “You light up my world” is actually about Putin. But fiery romance is at the heart of this story:

Caldicot, Wales - A passionate couple created so much steam in a cold doorway that neighbours thought it was smoke and alerted the fire brigade. Two fire engines and a police car raced to the scene — only to find two young lovers in a sizzling clinch. Local resident Mr Bill Llewellyn (65) said: “They were certainly making a lot of steam — it looked just like the smoke from a fire.” Police inspector, Clive Morgan, said: “It’s given everyone a laugh. It really was a smouldering kiss”.

And what about this story about explosive romance?

Kuwait — I told her “I blow up bombs for a living”. She smiled and said “Well, I'm a mortician, so I’ll probably be seeing you again”.

Charles Hall, a bomb-disposal worker in Kuwait, describing how he met his wife.

Incidentally, “matchless” does not mean to be without matches but instead it means perfect, incomparable or outstanding.

Alas, I have somewhat diverted from what I was telling you about my business venture. I was aware of the shoddy zhing-zhong services provided by other firms. So many of their female clients were complaining bitterly about the horrific male matches suggested to them. In some cases they were lucky to escape from the “romantic evening” with their lives. In one case when the “match” pitched up he immediately announced that the woman did not live up to his high expectations and threatened to sue the dating agency for damages. In another, the guy introduced himself by asking the lady whether she minded that he was a serial killer. Then there was this weird looking guy who told his date that he was from planet Zog 10 and been sent to find out why females on earth have breasts. Finally there was the lady who was asked on the first date if the man could kiss her and she retorted “God, not another amateur”.

My dating agency is completely different. We select only the finest products and provide a guarantee of good quality. My motto is, “Our products refresh the parts that other agencies didn’t even know existed.”

All our products undergo intensive training to ensure that they are fully toilet and obedience trained and all bad or annoying habits have been eliminated. They are also taught to do all the household duties in addition to working in lucrative jobs.

We first ascertain from a client whether she requires a male for a brief romantic encounter or for a more longterm relationship. We then ask the client to fill in a questionnaire in which she sets out in minute detail all her physical, emotional, spiritual and even kinky requirements. We then carefully match our client to our most suitable males in stock to avoid the sort of tragic situation reported in the New Law Journal, “The marriage suffered a setback in 1965 when the husband was killed by the wife”.

We have a special scheme under which a client can hire to buy, which allows her to test the product first before investing more money in it.

We also have a scheme where will fully refund the client if she wishes to return the product because he has proved to be romantically challenged or is in some other way unsatisfactory. Alternatively, the client may bring in the product for reconditioning after which it will be returned to her.

For those with limited finance, the client can opt for a good low mileage used model that has had only one previous owner or an accident damaged model that had been fully reconditioned.

In respect of the client requiring a model for a longer period, we undertake to provide a replacement if he breaks down or is no longer being serviceable. For an extra payment, the client can ask us to use our AI algorism to predict when the state of unserviceability will reached so the client can know this in advance.

One of our schemes caters for young attractive women who want to marry an old geezers with pots of money so that they inherit his riches when they finally pop their clogs. Under this contract, the client binds herself to pay our agency 20% of the value of the inherited estate. If the old git stubbornly refuses to die, we will give our client instruction on how to speed up the process.

If you want variety in your life, we can hook you up with a man with multiple personalities.

The client can choose from a variety of controls that can be installed in our products before they are delivered. These include—

● A virility control which can turned to various settings. These are: off (I’ve got a headache or are not in the mood so go and take a cold shower) low (to tone things down a bit); medium (if you don’t want to overdo things); high (if you are feeling more vigorous); dangerously high (used at client’s own risk).

● A conversation control with which you can mute or silence him when he gets on your nerves with his boring prattle, or his pathetic jokes or his continual boasting about what a great person he erroneously thinks he is. On the other hand, you can turn on the talking mode if the product remains too sullen and unforthcoming.

● A truth control which can be turned on when you need to determine if he is telling the truth.

● An events controller which will deliver an electrical shock to him on your birthday or your anniversary to remind him to buy you a very expensive present.

● A consumption controller that immobilises him if he tries to have too many drinks or spend too much money.

We also have in stock various self-help products:

● A male chastity belt to which you hold the only key to be installed when you suspect that the product might be straying from the straight and narrow.

● Our best-selling designer cattle prod for use if your man fails to pay attention to you or snores in bed.

From time to time we have special offers such as “for this week if you buy one you can get a second one for free”.

My business thrived and it was not long before I expanded operations throughout Africa. I now hold myself out as a good example of what Zimbabwean drive, innovation and vuka vuka can achieve. But I caution good readers against using the “innovative” formula presently being employed to destroy our national economy.